i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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