I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
