so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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