shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
