we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
