I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
