I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
