why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
