the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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