The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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