Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
