He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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