pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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