can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
