It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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