Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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