Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
