I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I believe in your delicious
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
