you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hippo gnu deer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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