So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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