I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
