im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
