oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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