I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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