I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
