I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
