Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There r osticjed everywhere
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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