so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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