Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
