Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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