he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
