I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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