Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
3 2 1 whiskey
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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