Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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