I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
