Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
