Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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