dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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