My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
