My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
