I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
