You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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