Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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