I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
