all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
