I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
