The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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