I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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