Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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