I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up under a house in Key West
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
