Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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